| The time you spend at an airport could cut | | | | sun. So three thousand miles off course is |
| days off your vacation.This is the time of | | | | certainly a "minor miscalculation." You |
| year when many people interrupt their busy | | | | suddenly feel lucky to still be inside the |
| lives to get away from it all. Some call it a | | | | solar system.In an effort to calm some of the |
| vacation. Others call it "ten days at the | | | | irate passengers, the pilot adds that the |
| airport." The airlines don't care what you | | | | stopover will be "short." Now you go into a |
| call it as long as you're literate enough to | | | | panic. Does he mean "short" like in "small" |
| understand the meaning of the two most | | | | and "minor?" That could be a major problem -- |
| important words in the English language -- | | | | the lease on your apartment runs out in a few |
| "delayed" and "cancelled." In fact, these two | | | | short months. You try explaining to the |
| words are more important than learning how to | | | | stewardess that you can't afford "short" |
| use a life jacket. Because the odds of going | | | | stopovers -- you tied your dog down to a pole |
| down in a plane these days are very slim, due | | | | at Kennedy airport, not expecting to be gone |
| to the fact that the odds of going up in one | | | | for too long. You get the typical response, |
| in the first place is practically nil. But | | | | "Am I flying the plane?" I usually respond, |
| not fully comprehending these two words can | | | | "Well neither is the pilot -- how about |
| mean spending days at an airport, literally | | | | letting me take a shot at it?"Naturally, the |
| not knowing whether you're coming or | | | | "short" stopover turns into another long, |
| going.The inefficiency of some airlines | | | | airport coffee interlude. You now rack up |
| brings a very disturbing thought to mind: had | | | | enough cups to become an honorary citizen of |
| Ponce de Leon been dependent on this mode of | | | | Brazil, and wind up with enough caffeine in |
| transportation, there's a good chance Florida | | | | your system to revive a comatose patient just |
| would have been discovered by Cuban "boat | | | | by breathing in his direction. Then comes the |
| people." Americans, as a result, would have | | | | good news: sleeping on your suitcase at an El |
| been deprived of an abundance of robust | | | | Paso airport is a lot safer than sleeping |
| sunshine, not to mention a lot of wholesome | | | | inside a vault in some New York |
| orange juice. And god knows how Don Johnson's | | | | neighborhoods. That's really great news. Next |
| career would've gotten started.To say that | | | | time you'll bring along your safe deposit |
| planes seldom take off on time is like saying | | | | box.You eventually take off again. This time |
| chickens seldom ride bicycles. And when the | | | | you know your plane is headed in the right |
| former does happen, it's almost as amazing as | | | | direction because the pilot is using a new |
| the latter. Spending eight frustrating hours | | | | navigational method -- he's following a flock |
| in an airline terminal building drinking | | | | of migrating Hummingbirds. The reasoning |
| coffee, reading newspapers, and catnapping as | | | | behind this is very simple: you never see a |
| you wait to board a plane, makes you wonder | | | | flock of Hummingbirds stranded inside a |
| whether the advertisement, "Come, fly with | | | | terminal building. Conclusion: they must know |
| us," really means, "Come, stay with us."You | | | | where they're going.You land in Florida, kiss |
| finally board a plane, and, "Fly our friendly | | | | the ground, quickly run over to the luggage |
| skies," begins to sound more like, "Taxi our | | | | carousel, and have horrifying visions about |
| friendly runways" - an hour later you're | | | | kissing your suitcase good-by. The suitcase |
| still on the ground. And you're sure the | | | | situation is like a mystical experience - you |
| pilot must be breaking in either the tires or | | | | spend a fortune on a suitcase with all sorts |
| the runway. Your only hope is that the | | | | of locks and zippers so that not even Houdini |
| airline isn't breaking in the pilot.That | | | | could get in, then you need a psychic to find |
| long-awaited moment -- takeoff -- finally | | | | it. And this is what makes or breaks a |
| arrives as a total shock. It's the last thing | | | | vacation. Ultimately, you'll find two kinds |
| you expect. You wonder, is it really | | | | of people in a vacation resort: those who are |
| happening, or are you in a flight simulator? | | | | having a good time, and those who've lost |
| You order a meal, and, sure enough, it | | | | their suitcases at the airport. Yet, people |
| confirms your trip's unquestionable reality - | | | | never learn. There are precautions you can |
| although flights can be simulated, no | | | | take to greatly reduce the chances of a |
| technology on earth is advanced enough to | | | | lost-suitcase catastrophe. When flying to |
| artificially recreate a malnourished tuna | | | | Florida, for instance, always ship your |
| fish sandwich and a small, skinny pickle on | | | | luggage to Okinawa. This covers you from two |
| the side which look as "good" as the | | | | angles. First, your luggage is highly |
| originals. This is the real thing alright!You | | | | unlikely to ever arrive in Okinawa, and |
| sit back. You relax. And the worst is | | | | therefore has a better chance of arriving in |
| over.Not quite.Only a short while into the | | | | Florida than if you had sent it to Florida to |
| flight, the pilot comes on the PA system: | | | | begin with. Then, in the unlikely event that |
| "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is | | | | your luggage does arrive in Okinawa, you must |
| your captain speaking." (It's a good thing | | | | remember that for you, as a passenger on a |
| pilots always precede their announcements | | | | domestic flight, to wind up in Okinawa is not |
| with this phrase. Otherwise, passengers might | | | | all that improbable. So, no matter what |
| think it's Francisco Valenzuela-Lopez, | | | | happens, there's a good chance you'll have |
| announcing a K-Mart special.) The pilot | | | | what to wear.Josh Greenberger: A computer |
| announces that due to a "minor | | | | consultant for over two decades, the author |
| miscalculation" the plane will be making a | | | | has developed software for such organizations |
| "small" detour through El Paso, Texas. You | | | | as NASA's Goddard Institute of Space Studies, |
| quickly take out your calculator and try to | | | | AT&T, Charles Schwab, Bell Laboratories and |
| figure out how a plane on a two and a half | | | | Chase Manhattan Bank. Since 1984, the |
| hour, non-stop flight from New York to | | | | author's literary works have appeared in such |
| Florida can make a "small" detour through El | | | | periodicals as The New York Post, The Daily |
| Paso, Texas. Your only answer is that the | | | | News, The Village Voice, The Jewish Press, |
| pilot must be an aspiring astronaut - by | | | | and others. His articles have ranged from |
| astronomical standards, the star Alpha | | | | humor to scientific to topical events. Visit |
| Centauri, about four light-years away, can | | | | his site: shopndrop. |
| still be considered a "small detour" from the | | | | |